Easiest Wine Campaign Ever.

We've learnt there is a campaign to market wine specifically to women. Whoever these patronising gits are, our guess is it will be an easy job.

The best bet is to plaster every London tube station with a poster of a random fat chick, with the words "This is you" written underneath.

They'll be swilling it back till Armageddon.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

Famous and funny (and not so) quotes about wine

If you don't know what this blog is really about, these may give you some idea:

"You haven't drunk too much wine if you can still lie on the floor without holding on" (Dean Martin)

"At a recent wine tasting a man inhaled deeply and proclaimed, 'I'm getting Brailian woman'." (Jonathan Meades)

This is the sulphurous urination of some aged horse" (D.H Lawrence, on Spanish wine)

"Wine should be stored in a cool, dry place. The glove compartment of a Jaguar or an abandoned washing machine are my personal favourites" (Richard Smith)

"You could have been picking these grapes at the moment that Robert Standford-Tyre was downing a Heinkel over the Channel, in a Hawker Hurricane, which is a nice thought. It should almost be drunk in celebration of it." (James May, commenting on a 1940 Bordeaux, OZ & JAMES' BIG WINE ADVENTURE, BBC.

"Balls. We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here. And we want them now." (Withnail, Richard E Grant, Withnail & I)

"What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?" (Larson E. Whipsnade (W.C. Fields) You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man (1939))

"The last time that I trusted a dame was in Paris in 1940. She was going out to get a bottle of wine. Two hours later, the Germans marched into France." (Sam Diamond in Murder by Death (1976))

"I can certainly see you know your wine. Most of the guests who stay here wouldn't know the difference between Bordeaux and Claret." (Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) in Fawlty Towers)

DEU - Black Tower Sparkles

It is with a deep level of regret that we announce that Black Tower, that bloody awful paint thinner the germans somehow made popular in the 70's, has announced it's new product - sparkling wine.

In a can.

Oh. My. God. 

We had hoped that market forces had sorted out the future of this god awful product, but we wuz wronged. Described as "deliciously fresh and full of fruit flavours of pineapple and mango", this 200 ml can is aimed squarely at younger drinkers, surely code for 'cheap university students who just want to get hammered and not do any work'.

It is conveniently packaged in 24 can trays.

According to the MD, Black Tower has been re-invented from it's Liebfraumilch craze of the 70's.

Looks like the same poorly made drop of the old 'falling down' that it always was.

The Most Interesting Site Ever

I have to say right off the bat that this posting has a pretty tenuous link to wine and wine making, but bear with me.

I have spent most of today writing up a trip to the Mountain Gorillas of Uganda, and needed to find the collective noun. I came across the most brilliant site, that gave me all collective nouns for pretty much any animal you can imagine.

So, if you are in wine country (here it comes), and wondering about crop damage, it could be due to a trace of rabbits, an array of hedgehogs, a parliament of owls, or a murmuration of starlings.

It's pretty unlikely to be a hover of trout.

I told you the link was tenuous. But at least we improved your vocabulary, or at the very least earned an extra point at your local pub's trivia night.

And by the way, it's a band of gorilla.

USA - Nutritional Information on US Wine Labels

According to a group called "Shape Up America!" (it really does have an exclaimation point) a recent survey showed that consumers wanted full nutritional content on wine labels.

In order of information requested, consumers want the quantity of alcohol, followed by calories, carbohydrates, fat, and protein.

They actually handed this survey to the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau, an organisation that is seriously considering the move.

It's news to us that wine has any nutritional value. It certainly would struggle to make Atkins, or the South Beach list. I doubt you will ever see it appear along with wholegrains on the food pyramid.

We also don't know anyone who gave nutrition a second glance in the "offie" or bottle shop. The only label many look at is the one that hopefully says "$6.99"

So a better label, more suited to many wine drinkers, may be as follows:

"WARNING: Excess consumption may:

1. Make your head hurt tomorrow,
2. Cause your liver to fall off (you only need one, anyway),
   
3. Make you feel a lot funnier than you really are,
4. Make you cheer for the England rugby team, and
   
5. Cause girls knickers to fall off.
   

In extreme cases will cause paternity suit.

Though perhaps what is needed is simply this label, in bright yellow, and big print:

"Atypical American, er, Amoron? Avoid!"

Well, maybe just in Alabama.

I cannot believe there are people out there thinking this rubbish up. Wine is for enjoyment, socialising and fun. Here at The Wine Ponce, we know plenty of Americans - and none of them are anywhere near that stupid!

There shouldn't be a person in America who doesn't know what excess consumption of wine can do - so take responsibility for yourself!